Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
