yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Need sex. Gaining weight.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
