so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
this beer tastes like vomit already
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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