there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
