just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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