I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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