Got a toothbrush?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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