I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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