oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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