puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.