The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
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GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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