You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
