I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
