paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
