fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
