Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
