My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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