It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
