My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
