I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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