mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
