im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
