You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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