I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
