he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
