3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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