I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
