Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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