I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
