dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
