I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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