Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
