so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
