Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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