She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
