my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
