Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
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my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
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so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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