This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
