If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
