so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My penis needs a shock collar
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
