yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
from now on my penis is your penis
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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