How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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