FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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