First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
