woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
