I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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