I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
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Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
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After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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