I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
