Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
