i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
