I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
