I didn't shave. On purpose
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
