are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
