mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
