when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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