when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
