So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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